My friend Alexandra from the blog "Madh Mama" just wrote an excellent piece about loosing yourself in your spouse culture, that you all must read. This is something people who are in intercultural relationships, women in particular can all relate to.
The interesting thing, is that very topic has been on my mind a lot over the past few weeks. Mostly because some people keep thinking that just because I married an Indian man, I MUST do my damnest to be as Indian as possible. A lady I met recently even assumed that because I delegate the tiffin box cooking to my maid, it means I don't know how to cook Indian food. After 11 years in the country, that wears really thin. Nobody questions an Indian woman for having help in the kitchen.
What's more, it seems that some people are only really interested in how Indian a foreigner is in India. When ironically, the Indian diaspora abroad is known to cling to their own cultural values and work hard recreating a mini-India wherever they go.
In brief, if you are Indian abroad, you need to stay as Indian as possible. But, foreigners living in India are to adapt to India and if possible become more Indian than Indians.
I don't know about you, but how twisted is that? To be frank, I don't mind when people from India hold to their cultural heritage abroad. I never felt the urge to go and ask them "So do you cook western dishes?" Or ask a saree clad lady "Have you ever tried to wear jeans" or "Why do you not celebrate Christmas?".
Yet, I get asked these reverse questions ALL the time : "Do you cook Indian?" If it is not plain old "Can you cook?".
"Do you like to wear sarees, or salwaar suits" or "Why don't you do Puja for Indian festivals?".
With the added bonus questions related to parenting since I have a child.
Basically I am on perpetual interview that will help whoever asks determine how much I belong. Often as per standards that do not even apply to the modern urban dwelling Indian woman of my generation.
In many ways, the message that seem to transpire is that the West is less good, than India. The West is not worth learning about, just good enough to make big bucks and returning home. Foreigners that left the West probably did because they were having a crappy life and looking for a cultural upgrade.
This is sadly not even close from the truth. India is just not used to be a land of immigration. But, expats are coming to India, not just for love, not just for the ashrams, yoga and spiritual fix. There is a solid percentage of people that come here to work, on short to medium term assignments. Because they got sent by their company abroad to India. Just like Indians get sent abroad by theirs.
Some, will only work there a couple of years. Some will hang around longer. Some will get to know their soul mate in India, get married and stick around for life. We are a world that is going global, these scenarios will happen more and more.
After living in India for over a decade, let me tell you were I stand. I married my husband for him, not his nationality, not his culture. He loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is. For all I care, he could come from another planet. I did marry the man, not his culture. His culture is part of the package but it is not all of it. If DH wanted a perfect Indian woman who dresses Indian, cooks Indian, breathe Indian and behaves an archaic form of Indian he would have married one.
He didn't, so how ironic is it that people assume I must turn Indian to be perfect and a good wife? My choices clearly don't matter, but apparently neither do his.
When it comes to our daughter, there is that expectation from those who don't know any better that she needs to be Indian and that it is my job to ensure that.
Well no offence, but I did. I grunted and screamed and pushed her out of my birth canal on Indian soil, and her father is an Indian national that ensured she has herself an Indian passport. So, do not worry about her being Indian, because she is. Her papers say so. She goes to school in India, she is surrounded by Indian culture in her daily life. So, please don't tell me that just because I decide to feed her Swiss cheese and continental dishes I am insulting her heritage.
The way I see it she is half and half, and it is not my job to teach her about Indian culture. My half of the heritage matter as much as the other half.
I married an Indian, but I am not Indian. I made India my home, just like many Indians made the US or Europe theirs, complete with their cultural baggage. So, don't Indianize me against my will. This is neither fair nor respectful to anybody.
Being a world citizen means you take from many culture, and blend them. It makes one a richer person, in every ways.
Just look at me. I can cook Indian food as well as I do continental cuisine. I'm not bad at cooking Chinese and pan Asian dishes either. I know how to eat with a fork and knife, my hands and chopsticks. I know how to say Thank you in quite a few languages because my parents told me if one must learn only one word in a foreign language it must be this one. I can wrap a saree and know how to wear an evening dress. I know which dress code applies where in both European situation as well as Indian ones. I know how to prep my home for both Diwali and Christmas and how to be a good hostess to Indian guests and Western guests alike. I travelled a lot as a kid and teenager and got exposed to a lot of different cultures early.
Those who choose to see me for who I am, know these things, and love me for them, and this is the vast majority I am talking about. If all you are interested in is my degree of Indianess you are missing a whole lot of me don't you think?
The interesting thing, is that very topic has been on my mind a lot over the past few weeks. Mostly because some people keep thinking that just because I married an Indian man, I MUST do my damnest to be as Indian as possible. A lady I met recently even assumed that because I delegate the tiffin box cooking to my maid, it means I don't know how to cook Indian food. After 11 years in the country, that wears really thin. Nobody questions an Indian woman for having help in the kitchen.
What's more, it seems that some people are only really interested in how Indian a foreigner is in India. When ironically, the Indian diaspora abroad is known to cling to their own cultural values and work hard recreating a mini-India wherever they go.
In brief, if you are Indian abroad, you need to stay as Indian as possible. But, foreigners living in India are to adapt to India and if possible become more Indian than Indians.
I don't know about you, but how twisted is that? To be frank, I don't mind when people from India hold to their cultural heritage abroad. I never felt the urge to go and ask them "So do you cook western dishes?" Or ask a saree clad lady "Have you ever tried to wear jeans" or "Why do you not celebrate Christmas?".
Yet, I get asked these reverse questions ALL the time : "Do you cook Indian?" If it is not plain old "Can you cook?".
"Do you like to wear sarees, or salwaar suits" or "Why don't you do Puja for Indian festivals?".
With the added bonus questions related to parenting since I have a child.
Basically I am on perpetual interview that will help whoever asks determine how much I belong. Often as per standards that do not even apply to the modern urban dwelling Indian woman of my generation.
In many ways, the message that seem to transpire is that the West is less good, than India. The West is not worth learning about, just good enough to make big bucks and returning home. Foreigners that left the West probably did because they were having a crappy life and looking for a cultural upgrade.
This is sadly not even close from the truth. India is just not used to be a land of immigration. But, expats are coming to India, not just for love, not just for the ashrams, yoga and spiritual fix. There is a solid percentage of people that come here to work, on short to medium term assignments. Because they got sent by their company abroad to India. Just like Indians get sent abroad by theirs.
Some, will only work there a couple of years. Some will hang around longer. Some will get to know their soul mate in India, get married and stick around for life. We are a world that is going global, these scenarios will happen more and more.
After living in India for over a decade, let me tell you were I stand. I married my husband for him, not his nationality, not his culture. He loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is. For all I care, he could come from another planet. I did marry the man, not his culture. His culture is part of the package but it is not all of it. If DH wanted a perfect Indian woman who dresses Indian, cooks Indian, breathe Indian and behaves an archaic form of Indian he would have married one.
He didn't, so how ironic is it that people assume I must turn Indian to be perfect and a good wife? My choices clearly don't matter, but apparently neither do his.
When it comes to our daughter, there is that expectation from those who don't know any better that she needs to be Indian and that it is my job to ensure that.
Well no offence, but I did. I grunted and screamed and pushed her out of my birth canal on Indian soil, and her father is an Indian national that ensured she has herself an Indian passport. So, do not worry about her being Indian, because she is. Her papers say so. She goes to school in India, she is surrounded by Indian culture in her daily life. So, please don't tell me that just because I decide to feed her Swiss cheese and continental dishes I am insulting her heritage.
The way I see it she is half and half, and it is not my job to teach her about Indian culture. My half of the heritage matter as much as the other half.
I married an Indian, but I am not Indian. I made India my home, just like many Indians made the US or Europe theirs, complete with their cultural baggage. So, don't Indianize me against my will. This is neither fair nor respectful to anybody.
Being a world citizen means you take from many culture, and blend them. It makes one a richer person, in every ways.
Just look at me. I can cook Indian food as well as I do continental cuisine. I'm not bad at cooking Chinese and pan Asian dishes either. I know how to eat with a fork and knife, my hands and chopsticks. I know how to say Thank you in quite a few languages because my parents told me if one must learn only one word in a foreign language it must be this one. I can wrap a saree and know how to wear an evening dress. I know which dress code applies where in both European situation as well as Indian ones. I know how to prep my home for both Diwali and Christmas and how to be a good hostess to Indian guests and Western guests alike. I travelled a lot as a kid and teenager and got exposed to a lot of different cultures early.
Those who choose to see me for who I am, know these things, and love me for them, and this is the vast majority I am talking about. If all you are interested in is my degree of Indianess you are missing a whole lot of me don't you think?