If you had any doubts about how hard being a parent can be and how much of a demanding and agonising job it can be at time, any school functions should do the trick at clearing them.
I can really only speak of my experience in India, but I am sure my parents hated school functions they had to be part of as much as I hate them now that I am in their proverbial shoes.
That said, among the worst of the worst of the events that can be hurled at you in India, "Annual Sports day" makes the top of the list.
Ishita is a 1st grader, and I already had my fair share of them. Each year they get worse, and more unbearable, and this blog post is coming while my butt is still super sore from sitting on a plastic chair for 5 hours this morning.
5 long hours of speeches, ceremonies, pomp, military marching, and official bodies recognition, all this to get to see my daughter perform a few cartwheels and a karate chop for 5 minutes.
It's the same every year, and as a seasoned parent you know that this is the day of unavoidable agony, that you must attend. Mainly because your child is super exited about it and practiced for weeks (guilt trip anyone) and because the school's officials have an uncanny ability to force you to stay in your seat by refusing to release children after their performance.
I compiled a list that WILL happen at any of these dreaded sports meet and for which you shall be prepared:
1) The invitation will ask you to be seated by a specific time, say 8.30am even though we all know that once translated in IST it means 9am or later.
2) You must arrive at 8am if you want to have a decent shot at glimpsing your child's exploits. Simply because most Mumbai schools have over 2000 students and it means at least 2000 devoted parents all fighting for the prime photo and video capturing first row.
3) Officials and the Guest of honour run on IST, this means they won't see it fit to come at 8.30, but closer to 9.30.
4) This leaves you with plenty of time to people watch and hear a remix of "Is this seat free?" and a few parents that came at 9am to declare it is unfair that people save chairs for their spouse.
5) Once the officials made their entrance, parents must be immediately put into a semi comatose state by running a competition for the most boring official speech. As a result you are submitted to performance reports, a reminder of the school value, punctuated by frequent mention of the various trustees and philanthropists associated to the cause of your child's bright future prospect.
6) By then the Guest of Honour is looking as bored as the parents, so they proceed to delivering gifts and flowers to the VIP and ask said guests to make a speech...you know just for good measure.
7) Once all the bla-bla has been done with the opening ceremony can start. Parents are asked to stand for the school prayers, and most are happy to get off their butts, as they've all been sitting for over an hour.
8) Following the school prayer is the flag parade, all houses march, and it may or may not be a competition. Minus the military salute, it is full of "Attention" "At ease" clipped marching and heavily codified flag movement. By then most parents are going back into their comatose state, except for those who have kids in the military marching style parade who are all out with their smart phones and tablets.
9) Then they will launch balloons and unveil the mascot, which isn't even a school one, but a Disney character or an animal chosen just for that edition. This year it was an Eagle supposed to inspire majesty and exellence. Well, we parent excel at sitting on plastic chairs pretending to care...so there!
10) And because unveiling a silly mascot isn't enough, we must all witness the passing of the flame, because God forbid we don't get as much oomph as the Olympics.
11) Finally, all students recite the pledge for fair play and spirit of sportsmanship...don't ask me or any parent how it goes, we were all listening to the voices in our head, namely the ones screaming CAFFEINE
12) Let the smart phone supremacy war begin! The actual sporting events start, and each class gets a maximum of 3-4 minutes in the spotlight. Parents stand, ignore all warnings of remaining seated and not taking pictures or videos.
13) The school then proceed by putting everybody back into that blissed state of coma by listing all the achievements of the school in various sporting events through the year and deliver awards for the same.
14) The officials then all vanish to the comfort of an AC room and good breakfast while parents are reminded to please stay seated for the track events. Track events for which only a few kids from each class are selected.
15) 90% of the parents try to bear with the heat and dehydration on their plastic chair wondering when they will get to pick up their kids. Sure the invitation said 1pm, but hey it is 11am, they can't make you go though 2 hours of that crap right? They have a heart, they sympatise with the people that pay the fees? Right? RIGHT?
16) WRONG parents that attempt to retrieve their kids are publicly humiliated on the loud speaker and reminded that we have to stay put until the end. The warning is delivered by a staffer since all the officials have vanished and don't give a hoot about kids running in the sun on the track.
17) 2 hours of parents rubbing their neck, back and crossing and uncrossing legs. Babies start crying and we all spy the staff doling out snack boxes to the students...lucky them!
18) 30 minutes from the end of the ordeal the impatience is highly perceptible, among parents and students alike. Parents are or half dead on their chair, or walking around desperate to regain blood flow in their buttocks. Students have all launched themselves into the timeless game of making their empty "Frooti" box explode or are running a contest of who is going to rocket the Frooti straw further on the sports field.
19) The officials come back to a scene of chaos : Parents chasing toddlers on the field, and Frooti boxes exploding all over the place. They deliver a few more words to attempt to sedate the dissidents back to their seat, istribute a few more awards and announce that now is time to close with the National Anthem.
20) The last Jaya He uttered parents bounce off their plastic chair and rush to the school building to beat the stampede and escape Sports Day hell with their kids in tow. Anarchy reigns supreme!
21) This is followed by a mad rush for Auto-Rickshaw finding to go back home. Wise and seasoned parents know this is futile and march to the nearest junk food joint to eat what is probably their first real meal of the day at 1.30pm. You are sure to find half of the school in those restaurants, and you can tell from all the sports day uniform. The kids are still hyper, the parents are just glad to be in AC
22) You finally make it home and realise that you are dead beat tired from not doing much of anything at 3pm while your kid still bounces up and down on the sofa.
I don't know about you, but I am convinced that Sports Day is the parent equivalent to Board Room meeting boredom...
I can really only speak of my experience in India, but I am sure my parents hated school functions they had to be part of as much as I hate them now that I am in their proverbial shoes.
That said, among the worst of the worst of the events that can be hurled at you in India, "Annual Sports day" makes the top of the list.
Ishita is a 1st grader, and I already had my fair share of them. Each year they get worse, and more unbearable, and this blog post is coming while my butt is still super sore from sitting on a plastic chair for 5 hours this morning.
5 long hours of speeches, ceremonies, pomp, military marching, and official bodies recognition, all this to get to see my daughter perform a few cartwheels and a karate chop for 5 minutes.
It's the same every year, and as a seasoned parent you know that this is the day of unavoidable agony, that you must attend. Mainly because your child is super exited about it and practiced for weeks (guilt trip anyone) and because the school's officials have an uncanny ability to force you to stay in your seat by refusing to release children after their performance.
I compiled a list that WILL happen at any of these dreaded sports meet and for which you shall be prepared:
1) The invitation will ask you to be seated by a specific time, say 8.30am even though we all know that once translated in IST it means 9am or later.
2) You must arrive at 8am if you want to have a decent shot at glimpsing your child's exploits. Simply because most Mumbai schools have over 2000 students and it means at least 2000 devoted parents all fighting for the prime photo and video capturing first row.
3) Officials and the Guest of honour run on IST, this means they won't see it fit to come at 8.30, but closer to 9.30.
4) This leaves you with plenty of time to people watch and hear a remix of "Is this seat free?" and a few parents that came at 9am to declare it is unfair that people save chairs for their spouse.
5) Once the officials made their entrance, parents must be immediately put into a semi comatose state by running a competition for the most boring official speech. As a result you are submitted to performance reports, a reminder of the school value, punctuated by frequent mention of the various trustees and philanthropists associated to the cause of your child's bright future prospect.
6) By then the Guest of Honour is looking as bored as the parents, so they proceed to delivering gifts and flowers to the VIP and ask said guests to make a speech...you know just for good measure.
7) Once all the bla-bla has been done with the opening ceremony can start. Parents are asked to stand for the school prayers, and most are happy to get off their butts, as they've all been sitting for over an hour.
8) Following the school prayer is the flag parade, all houses march, and it may or may not be a competition. Minus the military salute, it is full of "Attention" "At ease" clipped marching and heavily codified flag movement. By then most parents are going back into their comatose state, except for those who have kids in the military marching style parade who are all out with their smart phones and tablets.
9) Then they will launch balloons and unveil the mascot, which isn't even a school one, but a Disney character or an animal chosen just for that edition. This year it was an Eagle supposed to inspire majesty and exellence. Well, we parent excel at sitting on plastic chairs pretending to care...so there!
10) And because unveiling a silly mascot isn't enough, we must all witness the passing of the flame, because God forbid we don't get as much oomph as the Olympics.
11) Finally, all students recite the pledge for fair play and spirit of sportsmanship...don't ask me or any parent how it goes, we were all listening to the voices in our head, namely the ones screaming CAFFEINE
12) Let the smart phone supremacy war begin! The actual sporting events start, and each class gets a maximum of 3-4 minutes in the spotlight. Parents stand, ignore all warnings of remaining seated and not taking pictures or videos.
13) The school then proceed by putting everybody back into that blissed state of coma by listing all the achievements of the school in various sporting events through the year and deliver awards for the same.
14) The officials then all vanish to the comfort of an AC room and good breakfast while parents are reminded to please stay seated for the track events. Track events for which only a few kids from each class are selected.
15) 90% of the parents try to bear with the heat and dehydration on their plastic chair wondering when they will get to pick up their kids. Sure the invitation said 1pm, but hey it is 11am, they can't make you go though 2 hours of that crap right? They have a heart, they sympatise with the people that pay the fees? Right? RIGHT?
16) WRONG parents that attempt to retrieve their kids are publicly humiliated on the loud speaker and reminded that we have to stay put until the end. The warning is delivered by a staffer since all the officials have vanished and don't give a hoot about kids running in the sun on the track.
17) 2 hours of parents rubbing their neck, back and crossing and uncrossing legs. Babies start crying and we all spy the staff doling out snack boxes to the students...lucky them!
18) 30 minutes from the end of the ordeal the impatience is highly perceptible, among parents and students alike. Parents are or half dead on their chair, or walking around desperate to regain blood flow in their buttocks. Students have all launched themselves into the timeless game of making their empty "Frooti" box explode or are running a contest of who is going to rocket the Frooti straw further on the sports field.
19) The officials come back to a scene of chaos : Parents chasing toddlers on the field, and Frooti boxes exploding all over the place. They deliver a few more words to attempt to sedate the dissidents back to their seat, istribute a few more awards and announce that now is time to close with the National Anthem.
20) The last Jaya He uttered parents bounce off their plastic chair and rush to the school building to beat the stampede and escape Sports Day hell with their kids in tow. Anarchy reigns supreme!
21) This is followed by a mad rush for Auto-Rickshaw finding to go back home. Wise and seasoned parents know this is futile and march to the nearest junk food joint to eat what is probably their first real meal of the day at 1.30pm. You are sure to find half of the school in those restaurants, and you can tell from all the sports day uniform. The kids are still hyper, the parents are just glad to be in AC
22) You finally make it home and realise that you are dead beat tired from not doing much of anything at 3pm while your kid still bounces up and down on the sofa.
I don't know about you, but I am convinced that Sports Day is the parent equivalent to Board Room meeting boredom...